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Sit On The Couch and Die or Get My A$$ Moving

I took a long (too long) break from blogging as well as any form of a healthier lifestyle and I have paid for it.  I have gained 40 pounds since I stopped.  My physical health is suffering.  I had blood clots in my legs that went to my lungs over the summer, I am short of breath walking up a simple flight of stairs, I hurt everywhere, and I feel like crap every day.  My mental health is suffering as well.  I am depressed and anxious.  I feel like a failure of a mother because I can’t do the things with Katie that I should be doing.  I am uncomfortable in many social situations.  I feel like everyone is staring at me because I am so fat.  I have to force myself to leave the house some days.

sad

Looks like I am at a point where I have to make a decision….Sit on my couch and die or get off the f’ing couch and do something about this.

casket

I am at my highest weight ever!  I don’t know what will make this time different from the other times I’ve tried to lose weight and get healthier.  But at least I’m giving it a try and not settling for death on the couch.

scale

Simple plan for now…My neighbor Erin and I will be taking Katie to the Y two days a week (three days eventually… maybe more) to work out and I am starting Weight Watchers Online again.

Learning to accept the small accomplishments!

Learning to be happy with the small accomplishments!

After my devastating gain of 7 pounds last week, I really really wanted a HUGE loss this week.  Well I lost one pound.  At first I was upset because it was ONLY one pound but I am starting to realize that is a pound that I didn’t gain.  It was a stressful week so one pound is great!  I am a stress/emotional eater and I know I didn’t eat the way I wanted to.  For example, we had to take Katie to the ER because we thought she had a bladder infection.

Our first trip to an ER

If you have never seen a 3 year old get catheterized you are lucky.  It took 4 of us to hold her down while she screamed and cried.  Then afterward she was hyperventilating and shaking so bad it looked like a seizure.  She ended up not having a UTI and they figure she had a rash from diarrhea that burned when she was going to the bathroom.  We had promised Katie a chocolate shake on the way home, so of course I ordered one too at the drive through speaker.  I drank mine before we got home but Katie never touched hers because she fell asleep waiting for the shakes.  Mike carried our tired little girl in to the house to bed and of course I drank her shake without even thinking about it.

Exhausted Bug

The evil chocolate milk shake

This was a wake up call for me regarding my emotional eating.  I don’t have control over this yet!  I drank 2 milk shakes in a matter of a half hour!  That’s a lot of calories.   There is more evidence of my emotional eating, there are times I know I am eating because of stress but do nothing to change the behavior.  I will grab something to eat, usually at night and tell myself I shouldn’t eat because I am not really hungry.  I will even argue with myself but usually I still eat.  I know there are other things I could do, read, go for a walk (not an option at 2 in the morning), clean, play a video game, workout or something else to occupy my hands.  But food usually wins.  Classic emotional eating!

Put down the fork and walk away from the cake!

How did I get here?  Why do I turn to food?  What can motivate me to stop this behavior?  Can I figure all this out on my own?

These are the questions I need to think about and start unraveling the mess in my head.  A couple years ago I decided I needed a therapist that specialized in weight loss.  I called the Riverview Center in Sylvania that specializes in Anorexia, and Bulimia to see if they knew of someone that works with my kind of eating disorder and they didn’t.  I called my insurance company and my doctor but they couldn’t help.  I turned to the internet and couldn’t find anyone.  No one can help me find what I am looking for.  I have been to therapists before but they just don’t get it, I want someone who works with people on a daily basis with my type of eating disorder.  So, I will try this on my own and see where I get.

I will be putting a picture of myself, plus a picture of my family on the refrigerator to remind me why I am doing all of this.  Hopefully, this will help me make better decisions.