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My Emotions Are So Out of Control

Anxiety is such a terrible

Monster! I’ve struggled with anxiety for many years but what I’ve been through in the last couple months has been the hardest to deal with in my entire life. This past Sunday was our New Building Grand Opening extravaganza. I got to help pick out the carpet, cabinetry, paint, etc in the new children’s wing. I so enjoyed having such a big part in this project. I also helped out with the committee for the big days. However, a couple weeks prior I had to back out of all my commitments due to this stupid nerve injury. I just couldn’t handle anything extra besides on focusing on getting better and resting my mouth. This Sunday I walked into church and everything looked amazing! The service was very nice. I’ve been getting upset during the couple servicesI’ve attended lately because I can’t sing and participate the way I usually do. And I get it, as long as I’m at church I will get what I need to get out of the service but I enjoy singing and praying out loud. It’s just frustrating. Between that frustration, feeling guilty about not fulfilling my obligations, plus for some reason seeing out dentist just sent me into a downward spiral. I had an anxiety attack during the end of the service and walked out crying. I’m so embarrassed! I know I shouldn’t be buts so hard to have that happen in public.

These new meds are so hard to deal with. One day last week I was so upset and anxious I honestly thought I’d have to be committed for a couple days to level me out. Then two days later I was almost manic. I made a couple judgment errors like shopping for clothes for Katie. We don’t have money for that with all these medical expenses lately. This is the worst RollerCoaster ride I’ve even been on! On a good note I feel like I’ve had a 10% decrease in my pain. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Anger and frustration

I’ve wanted to start blogging again but so just never take the time. I was excited to start sharing my weight loss journey again after losing nearly 70 pounds. I gave up dieting and starting listening to by body while eating what I want. Just made some better choices and ate less of the food I like. Being diagnosed with crazy food allergies helped a lot. On the other hand I became limited on what I could eat. Just as I was finding some normalcy with my food allergies and weight loss I had crazy life boulders thrown at me.

Today I am broken mentally and physically. Two months ago I went to the dentist for a routine crown placement. The dentist inserted the needle and immediately a lightening bolt shoot through my tongue. He repositioned the needle and again it felt like the lightening bolt split my tongue apart. Then everything was numb. When he inserted the second needle it hurt under my jaw. He made a comment about the nerve being sensitive. We moved along like nothing was out of the ordinary.

The numbness never went away that night and within days the excruciating pain and burning started. I couldn’t understand how you could be so numb but experience pain all at the same time! The pain increased over time then for a week I thought it was diminished a bit but the last two weeks it’s been terrible. I can’t talk right and eating is so painful.

I was sent to a specialist in Chicago who prescribed Gabapentin and sad I just had to wait. 80% chance if a recovery but may never feel the bottom of the right side of my mouth again. 20% chance of not recovering scares me a lot since I’ve seen no real change excepts for a little increased sensation in the tip of my tongue. On the right side my tongue and floor of my mouth are numb, and the pain is on the right side of my tongue and the whole tip of my tongue. I have burning throughout the entire right side of my tongue and floor. My taste bud are messed up.

I’m two months in and I’m worn down mentally. I’m angry this happened. I’m angry it’s costing me money we don’t have! I’m angry I can’t talk right and it is so painful to eat and talk. I’m angry these meds make me tired and dizzy. I’m angry my daughter is so upset over this and so worried about me. I’m angry I can’t kiss my husband when I want to. I’m angry my husband has to deal with something else with me. I’m angry my parents and family feel helpless. I feel so alone at times because most people can’t understand this pain. Not even Oxycontin can help the pain and burning. It’s not normal tooth or mouth pain. Until you experience this you can’t understand. I never understood what my mom goes through everyday with her spinal/nerve disorder. People think they get it but it’s not like normal pain. I thought I understand pain because of my back and neck injuries but I didn’t!

Trying to explain what it’s like to eat is impossible. Things have to be the right texture, size and temperature and those requirement can change daily. Most foods touching the affected areas feel like sand paper, fire, and pain or a combination. Even liquids hurt. Moving my tongue even hurts. Try eating and talking without moving your tongue…

Most people with this type of injury get severe depression and anxiety. I understand that! This is life changing for me and my family. I hope everyday this will heal and in 6-12 months I’ll be normal again but I have serious doubts.

I think I will blog during this journey. If people don’t have an interest in reading that’s ok. I’m sure people in my life are tired of hearing about this.

Need to get healthy as a family

After a few Heath issues lately we have decided to get healthy as a family.  Not a diet but a healthier way of living.

  This kid of mine used to love Veggies!  Now it’s an argument every time we put them in front of her.  This will be a huge change and it won’t be easy in the beginning but we will do this and we will bring all of you along for the ride….stay tuned for more…..

Learning to Love My Body

My goals for this week:

1.  Look at myself in the mirror everyday and tell myself how beautiful I am.

2. WARNING….TMI…Wear sexier underwear.

3. Only get on the scale once a month.   Skip the scale this week.

4.  Go to the gym and not worry what anyone thinks of me.  I will try out all the machines and hold my head high.

Sit On The Couch and Die or Get My A$$ Moving

I took a long (too long) break from blogging as well as any form of a healthier lifestyle and I have paid for it.  I have gained 40 pounds since I stopped.  My physical health is suffering.  I had blood clots in my legs that went to my lungs over the summer, I am short of breath walking up a simple flight of stairs, I hurt everywhere, and I feel like crap every day.  My mental health is suffering as well.  I am depressed and anxious.  I feel like a failure of a mother because I can’t do the things with Katie that I should be doing.  I am uncomfortable in many social situations.  I feel like everyone is staring at me because I am so fat.  I have to force myself to leave the house some days.

sad

Looks like I am at a point where I have to make a decision….Sit on my couch and die or get off the f’ing couch and do something about this.

casket

I am at my highest weight ever!  I don’t know what will make this time different from the other times I’ve tried to lose weight and get healthier.  But at least I’m giving it a try and not settling for death on the couch.

scale

Simple plan for now…My neighbor Erin and I will be taking Katie to the Y two days a week (three days eventually… maybe more) to work out and I am starting Weight Watchers Online again.

Pumpple Cookies

We made these tonight and they were awesome I had to share Lily’s post. Great job, LIly!

Lilly's Kitchen Lab

The second pumpple-inspired recipe I want to share with you this week is The Pumpple Cookie!  Be sure to read about my Pumpple experience and Cake Ball recipe from earlier in the week.

This cookie allows you to get pumpkin, apple, vanilla, and chocolate flavors all in one bite!

I used Betty Crocker’s Thumbprint Cookie recipe to make the cookie and embellished from there.

Pumpple Cookies

  • 1/4 cup brown sugar
  • 1/4 cup shortening
  • 1/4 cup butter, softened
  • 1/2 t. vanilla
  • 1 egg yolk
  • 1 cup flour
  • 1/4 t. salt
  • 1/2 cup apple jelly
  • ground cinnamon
  • Pumpkin Spice Hershey’s Kisses, one per cookie
  • Chocolate candy disks or chips, melted

Preheat the oven to 350F.  Beat together the brown sugar, shortening, butter, vanilla, and egg yolk.  Add the flour and salt.  Form 1″ balls and place 1″ apart on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.  Use your thumb or the end of a wooden spoon to…

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How in the heck did I get here? (Part 1)

Before I start I want to say that I understand that everything anyone has done to help me with losing weight has done so out of love.  Also, I understand that I have to take responsibility for the way I am today.  No one shoved Ho Hos down my throat with a milk shake chaser (wow that sounds good right now).

I cannot remember a time when my weight wasn’t an issue with the people around me.  I can look at pictures of me 2 to 3 years old and I was thin and sick looking.  I was very sick a lot for a few years and you can really see it. 

I was so pale in many pictures

I loved the water and did not mind wearing a bathing suit then

I even had dark circles around my eyes in a lot of early pictures.  Then all of a sudden I see picture where I have a stomach sticking out, then the rest of me followed by getting bigger and bigger. 

My mom used to call me “Little Mary Alice Powell”, who was (and still is, I believe) the main restaurant critic here in Toledo.  My dad and grandparents took me out to eat all the time and I developed my “foodie” critiquing skills and a deep love for “good” food.  Now we now know you get this “good” food by adding tons of tasty fat and carbs. Restaurant portion sizes weren’t as big as they are now but they were still a lot larger than they should have been.  I remember I could take down a whole adult meal in some really nice restaurants in Toledo. 

I liked fruits and vegetables but the strawberries were always better with sugar to make a sweet sauce or cheese on my cauliflower and broccoli.  Of course a tomato wasn’t good unless it had Miracle Whip on it.  Salads all had regular fat dressing on them. 

As I got older there were constant reminders that there was “something wrong” with me.  The doctors would talk real quiet to my mom about my weight while they were trying to figure what was “wrong”.  There were diet restrictions like no candy or sweets; talking about what I would eat and what days I was allowed to have dessert while on vacation before we even left town.  Even at 7 years old I would save up all my money and sneak over to the drug store and buy the things I “wasn’t allowed” to have and eat them anyway.  I even paid with 250 pennies one time at Hills and they got the supervisor to come over because the cashier didn’t want to take all pennies.  Oh, don’t mess with a 7 year old’s candy stash, YOU WILL LOSE!   I had to “weigh in” every weekend at my dad and other mom’s house (I hate the term “step” for my step parents but never figured out a good term with a better picture than stepmom, stepdad…) which I dreaded and absolutely hated. 

I remember the photographer talking about how to best angle this shot so I wouldn’t look so overweight. I still love him though.

There were times in gym class when you had to get weighed.  In Junior High they had a scale that still seems HUGE.  Maybe it was a perception thing, who knows.  I was always the biggest kid and it was so embarrassing.  The gym teacher would always have to comment, too.  Every doctor’s appointment we always get on the scale.  That was one thing I appreciate about my midwife group, they don’t weigh you.  You weigh yourself in a bathroom and tell them what you weigh.  I am an adult and don’t need someone standing over me like I am locked up in a hospital and need supervision so I don’t hide my meds under my tongue.  AND YES, I HAVE ALWAYS TOLD THE NURSE THE CORRECT WEIGHT!

GYM CLASS, every fat kids nightmare!  I would do anything and everything to get out of it.  First of all you have to change clothes in front of everyone else…Hell on Earth!  I was always picked last for teams…Hell on Earth!  I always sucked at all the activities…Hell on Earth.  And I was always last in the track or running activities…Super Hell on Earth!  The gym teacher would yell at me for stopping or running (usually walking in my case) too slow.  Other classmates made fun of me for being slow.  Tell me how this is helping me?  Wow, I really needed a chocolate bar after gym class. 

I will continue this topic in my next blog post.  I know I am long winded and you might need a break.