Anxiety is such a terrible
Monster! I’ve struggled with anxiety for many years but what I’ve been through in the last couple months has been the hardest to deal with in my entire life. This past Sunday was our New Building Grand Opening extravaganza. I got to help pick out the carpet, cabinetry, paint, etc in the new children’s wing. I so enjoyed having such a big part in this project. I also helped out with the committee for the big days. However, a couple weeks prior I had to back out of all my commitments due to this stupid nerve injury. I just couldn’t handle anything extra besides on focusing on getting better and resting my mouth. This Sunday I walked into church and everything looked amazing! The service was very nice. I’ve been getting upset during the couple servicesI’ve attended lately because I can’t sing and participate the way I usually do. And I get it, as long as I’m at church I will get what I need to get out of the service but I enjoy singing and praying out loud. It’s just frustrating. Between that frustration, feeling guilty about not fulfilling my obligations, plus for some reason seeing out dentist just sent me into a downward spiral. I had an anxiety attack during the end of the service and walked out crying. I’m so embarrassed! I know I shouldn’t be buts so hard to have that happen in public.
These new meds are so hard to deal with. One day last week I was so upset and anxious I honestly thought I’d have to be committed for a couple days to level me out. Then two days later I was almost manic. I made a couple judgment errors like shopping for clothes for Katie. We don’t have money for that with all these medical expenses lately. This is the worst RollerCoaster ride I’ve even been on! On a good note I feel like I’ve had a 10% decrease in my pain. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
I’ve wanted to start blogging again but so just never take the time. I was excited to start sharing my weight loss journey again after losing nearly 70 pounds. I gave up dieting and starting listening to by body while eating what I want. Just made some better choices and ate less of the food I like. Being diagnosed with crazy food allergies helped a lot. On the other hand I became limited on what I could eat. Just as I was finding some normalcy with my food allergies and weight loss I had crazy life boulders thrown at me.
Today I am broken mentally and physically. Two months ago I went to the dentist for a routine crown placement. The dentist inserted the needle and immediately a lightening bolt shoot through my tongue. He repositioned the needle and again it felt like the lightening bolt split my tongue apart. Then everything was numb. When he inserted the second needle it hurt under my jaw. He made a comment about the nerve being sensitive. We moved along like nothing was out of the ordinary.
The numbness never went away that night and within days the excruciating pain and burning started. I couldn’t understand how you could be so numb but experience pain all at the same time! The pain increased over time then for a week I thought it was diminished a bit but the last two weeks it’s been terrible. I can’t talk right and eating is so painful.
I was sent to a specialist in Chicago who prescribed Gabapentin and sad I just had to wait. 80% chance if a recovery but may never feel the bottom of the right side of my mouth again. 20% chance of not recovering scares me a lot since I’ve seen no real change excepts for a little increased sensation in the tip of my tongue. On the right side my tongue and floor of my mouth are numb, and the pain is on the right side of my tongue and the whole tip of my tongue. I have burning throughout the entire right side of my tongue and floor. My taste bud are messed up.
I’m two months in and I’m worn down mentally. I’m angry this happened. I’m angry it’s costing me money we don’t have! I’m angry I can’t talk right and it is so painful to eat and talk. I’m angry these meds make me tired and dizzy. I’m angry my daughter is so upset over this and so worried about me. I’m angry I can’t kiss my husband when I want to. I’m angry my husband has to deal with something else with me. I’m angry my parents and family feel helpless. I feel so alone at times because most people can’t understand this pain. Not even Oxycontin can help the pain and burning. It’s not normal tooth or mouth pain. Until you experience this you can’t understand. I never understood what my mom goes through everyday with her spinal/nerve disorder. People think they get it but it’s not like normal pain. I thought I understand pain because of my back and neck injuries but I didn’t!
Trying to explain what it’s like to eat is impossible. Things have to be the right texture, size and temperature and those requirement can change daily. Most foods touching the affected areas feel like sand paper, fire, and pain or a combination. Even liquids hurt. Moving my tongue even hurts. Try eating and talking without moving your tongue…
Most people with this type of injury get severe depression and anxiety. I understand that! This is life changing for me and my family. I hope everyday this will heal and in 6-12 months I’ll be normal again but I have serious doubts.
I think I will blog during this journey. If people don’t have an interest in reading that’s ok. I’m sure people in my life are tired of hearing about this.